“Her face was sad and lovely with bright things in it, bright eyes and a bright passionate mouth but there was an excitement in her voice that men who had cared for her found difficult to forget”—F. Scott Fitzgerald, The Great Gatsby (via man-of-prose)
do you ever get in one of those moods where you’re like feeling okay but you’re really sad at the same time and you just want to talk to someone and make them hug you but you feel annoying so you kind of just sit there being really sad
Fall in love with someone who you can drink with all night and not run out of conversation.
Fall in love with someone who understands when it’s best to shut the fuck up and tickle your back.
Fall in love with someone who knows the difference between when you’re actually fine and when you’re just saying it.
Fall in love with someone who genuinely could not care less if your legs are a bit hairy and you’ve had to put your glasses on because your contacts irritate your eyes.
Fall in love with someone who doesn’t make you feel stupid for not knowing the answers but who offers you their own knowledge so you do better next time.
Fall in love with the person who doesn’t bat an eyelash when you burp or get so drunk you tell all of your secrets to a barmaid at 2am.
Fall in love with someone who shares the same nostalgic memories as you.
Fall in love with someone who writes you songs.
Fall in love with someone who is as bad at flirting as you are.
Fall in love with someone who can make you laugh while your crying because absolutely everything has gone wrong.
But make sure you appreciate that love regardless of circumstances or how it may present itself to you, never let it go.
Most importantly fall in love with someone who loves you back in exactly the same way.
“One: Buy condoms. Buy them and keep them with you at all times, and use them before you are asked to use them. And use them every time. The peace of mind you allow your partner will free her to be vulnerable with you, and that, my son, is exactly what sex is about. Condoms are sexy. In fact, call buying condoms foreplay. (Footnote: If you are too embarrassed to buy condoms, you are not ready to have sex.)
Two: Kissing is not merely foreplay. Spend entire evenings making out on the couch while fully clothed. Believe me, dry-humping rocks.
Three: Sex is not just about friction. It’s about emotion. Stop trying to find her clitoris and find her heart. Because then she’ll help you find her clitoris.
Four: If you really wanna know how to please a woman, ask her how she masturbates. Then do that. A lot. If she claims she doesn’t masturbate, offer to take her shopping for a vibrator so you can both learn the vocabulary of her body together.
Five: Don’t put anything in her butthole you wouldn’t want in your own. (Footnote: Try a pinky finger, it’s kinda awesome.)
Six: When you go down on her—and you will go down on her, and if you are my son, you will be amazing at it—tell her how good she tastes. Stop in the middle and kiss her deeply so she knows how good she tastes. Do the same when she goes down on you.
Seven: A simple Google search will yield 1,327 euphemisms for male masturbation, yet only 23 for female masturbation. If guys spent less time jacking off and more time jilling off, this world would be a happier place.
Eight: Everything you need to know about the importance of the clitoris is in the movie Star Wars. You are Luke Skywalker piloting your penis-shaped X-Wing Fighter deep inside her trench. Remember: seventy percent of all Death Stars cannot be blown up through penetration of the trench alone. It must be through focused contact with that little exhaust port at the top of the trench. Otherwise, any explosions you experience will be merely Hollywood special effects.
Nine: Just because you come doesn’t mean she has, so don’t you dare come before her. Focus completely on your partner. Don’t worry about gettin’ yours, you’re a guy. You always get yours. Your job is to make sure she’s gettin’ hers.
Ten: If sex with your partner lasts no longer than this poem, you are not making love. You are masturbating with her body instead of your hand. Shame on you. Go back to step one. You’ve got a lot of learning to do.